If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
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thankfully, most bananas are boneless
the greatest twitter interaction
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”