I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
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I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.