Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
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if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Tony Hawk, age 6
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
There’s always that one guy
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds