Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
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*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
I can fix him.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills