If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
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I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Reporter: *ports again*
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile