[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
You Might Also Like
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
honestly, i need both:
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
#Caturday
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.