[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
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every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed