Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
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When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.