“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
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The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.