WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
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A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
When you’ve simply given up.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.