kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
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Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that