Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
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been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
i now pronounce you bounced.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace