I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
You Might Also Like
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
bury ourselves
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast