If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
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What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
#oldknees
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES