Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
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[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Plant care tips
where the womens at?
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*