[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
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love it when they get my name right
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
selfie game
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?