I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
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Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
🤭😂
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Realize this:
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw