Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
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What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it