My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
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[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?