True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
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Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Super Hand Dog Face
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Brb my Sims are getting married
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?