“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
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Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high