It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
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Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes