Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
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You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.