Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
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How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
When I can’t barge, I careen.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”