Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
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It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *