[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
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Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet