If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
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My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
War & Peace
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.