I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
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Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.