Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
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Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Duolingo getting serious.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
real
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.