When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
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The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.