just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
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A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Don’t make me out nice you.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
❤️❤️❤️
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers