The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
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Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”