Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
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WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill