Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
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owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)