Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
You Might Also Like
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
A roof is a house hat.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx