*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
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My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
yall want some gasoline milk
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice