People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
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exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I can’t stop laughing at this
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
every college guy’s fridge