Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
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They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
my name if I was in the mob
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.