If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
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It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers