HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
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Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”