My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
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No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
That’s incredible! 👌
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.