1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
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Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.