My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
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Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Everything reminds me of my ex
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work