when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
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If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
the last thing a carrot sees
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.