Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
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Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP