Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
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People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.