The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
You Might Also Like
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
j o i m p
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
getting old is fun
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*