*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
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A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.