* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
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Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
man: wait
time: no
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball