[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
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Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.